In My Hour of Darkness
by safe.from.harm
Summary: Just keep telling yourself that it'll be okay-- and maybe, eventually, it'll be true. Character death, language. Primarily a teamfic.
1. Hotch I

**A/N: Inspiration drawn from the amazing 'Our Father's Dust' by G. R. Jensen. Read it!**

Even with all of the sounds of the hospital, Aaron Hotchner feels like the entire world is silent. All he can hear is the nurse's voice echoing in his ears, the standard _I'm So Sorry For Your Loss_ speech. Everything else is silent.

Things slowly begin to come back to him; the first thing that he hears is a wild, keening sound, not from Garcia—he would have expected that—but from JJ; she's sobbing like she's in some kind of terrible physical pain, and, for all he knows, she is; God knows that he is.


	2. Rossi I

It's colder than any April night should be when Dave steps outside with a cigarette in between his fingers; Garcia and JJ are still in the waiting room, the others having already left to grieve as privately as they can. Dave has insisted on driving the girls home.

He lights the cigarette and takes a long, slow, practiced drag, but the smoke doesn't warm him like usual, and he realizes, after a moment, that it's no external feeling of cold that's making his fingers tremble and freezing his insides.


	3. Prentiss I

Prentiss doesn't cry at the hospital; she can't cry in front of the others, because Prentisses don't cry. It's one of the few things that she's always kept in mind from her mother.

But, that night, when reality finally sinks in, she finds herself in her bathroom, sitting on the cold tile floor. She had intended on taking a shower, but she couldn't even make herself undress; it seemed that now was the time that she subconsciously decided to mourn. She finds herself slumped against the wall, sliding down into a sitting position, curled into herself, her sobs unevenly spaced, and, for a long time, she simply sits there, unwilling or unable to move.


	4. Hotch II

Hotch, like Prentiss, doesn't cry much at the hospital; he knows that Dave catches the hard glimmer of tears in his eyes, but the other agent doesn't say anything, and probably never will.

No, it's in his office that he finally breaks, or breaks as much as anyone like him can: he is half bent, slumped over his desk, the side of his fist pressed to his mouth; he weeps quietly, and indeed the only sounds are his harsh gasps for air and the uneven breaths that come when he finally lets it out.


	5. Morgan I

_Ring. Ring. Ring. _

Morgan is tempted to just hang up, but he knows that Reid would have been heartbroken if he didn't at least leave a message. And so Morgan waits for what feels like an eternity for Gideon's voicemail to pick up, and, when confronted with the beep, finds himself lost for words.

"Gid—John," he starts, pauses, takes a deep, shaky breath. "I—I don't know how to say this..." Another pause; he doesn't try to stop his voice from trembling. "But... John, Spencer died last night." He gives the date and place of the young doctor's funeral and hangs up, letting the phone drop from his numb hands.


	6. Morgan and Garcia I

"I can't," Morgan says, his voice almost a whisper, and Garcia sits next to him, easing into a chair that she's pulled up, because no one wants to sit in the one behind the desk.

"I understand," she whispers, her voice working in partnership with the hand rubbing his back. "You don't have to do this, Derek."

"Yes, I do," he says, and his voice really is a whisper now; he clenches his hands until his nails dig into his palms, and begins to clean out Reid's desk; the first thing that he takes out is a paper birthday hat. Garcia pretends not to notice that he's forcing himself not to cry.


	7. Gideon I

John Gideon is a creature of habit, and his voicemail is always checked at six o'clock every morning. There's a new one, which is a little surprising—he's kept his old cell phone number, just in case. He's never bothered asking himself 'just in case what', knowing that he can't think too hard about that.

He recognizes Derek Morgan's number by the first digits, and is held paralyzed, praying to a God that he can't make himself believe in.

"Gid—John," the voicemail begins; Morgan's voice is shaking, almost imperceptibly. Gideon's lips are already moving in silent prayer, knowing there's only one reason that Derek Morgan would be leaving him a voicemail.

"I—I don't know how to say this," it continues, and suddenly his prayer is no longer silent; he's saying, quietly, "No, no, no, no, please, God, no," over the voicemail, but Morgan's soft voice is still terribly audible. "But... John, Spencer died last night." A pause, and his voice grows louder, "No, no, please, _no_—"

"His funeral's on the twentieth... at the Thompson Cemetery... I just thought I'd let you know."

The voicemail ends, and Gideon is left, his elbows on his desk, hands clasped together in front of him, head bowed, his lips moving again in silent prayer—not for denial, now, but for forgiveness.


	8. Morgan and Garcia II

Three nights later, Garcia is in Derek's apartment, holding his shaking body against her own. Tears are coursing their way down her cheeks, but they're not the first that she's cried, unlike Derek's. It's not pretty, hearing him cry.

"It should have been me," he manages finally, the words coming broken and hoarse through his sobs. "God, Pen, why couldn't it have been me?"

She can't answer; all she can do is move her hand up and down his back, trying desperately to silence her own sobs.


	9. Garcia and Elle I

**A/N: Please pretend that I called Gideon 'Jason' instead of 'John' in chapters five and eight! Thank you to Moon Raven2 for pointing that out. **

Garcia sits, staring at the brightly-colored cell phone in her hand. She can't believe she's even considering not calling her, but a part of her is afraid of what Hotch might say if he sees her...

_Fuck it,_ she decides, and begins to dial the number. She answers on the third ring.

"Hello?"

Garcia's breath catches in her throat and for a moment all she can say is, "Elle."

"...Penelope?" Elle's voice changes then, to something hard and unrecognizable. "What do you want?"

She's quiet for a moment, then, very softly, she says, "Elle... Spence is dead."

She expects anything but the silence that follows, broken only by a soft moan of pain: "Oh, _God_..."


	10. Garcia and Elle II

_Elle, Spence is dead. _The words keep replaying in her mind, and, for a moment, she forgets that she's holding the phone, forgets that she's talking to the woman that had been her friend, once.

By the time she remembers, the words are already out, and there's no pretending that the news doesn't stun her.

"How?" she manages finally, and hears Garcia sigh.

"I... I don't want to talk about it over the phone, Elle."

"Of course," she says quietly. "When...?"

"The twentieth," Garcia says, knowing what she's asking. "At the Thompson cemetery... around three."

"Alright," Elle says, taking too long to answer; she's too busy wiping away the tears that have sprung, unbidden, to her eyes.


	11. JJ and Will

"I can't do this," she whispers, clinging to him, clutching handfuls of his shirt; he runs a hand over her hair, comforting her as best he can.

"Shh, chere," he murmurs, pressing his lips to the top of her head, "you can do it, I know you can..." He lifts her face with his thumb and index finger under her chin. A lesser man may have questioned her, but Will LaMontagne has always known that the boys of the BAU are as much JJ's family as he is. "Be strong."

She nods, pressing her trembling lips to his own, and smiles tremulously. A tear streaks down her cheek and she squeezes his hand, looking away.

"I just... I can't believe he's gone, Will..."


	12. Garcia I

"God," she whispers, staring at herself in the mirror. Her eyes haven't been the right color since they got the news, and that's no different now; she wears no makeup save foundation and eyeliner, applied with the knowledge that it will soon be wiped away, accompanying bitter tears.

_Derek is going to be there,_ she thinks. _Hotch, Prentiss, JJ, Rossi... maybe Gideon, maybe Elle. His family. The only family he had._

She realizes, feeling the hot rush of tears, that she'll need to reapply her eyeliner; it takes her a moment to decide that it doesn't matter.


	13. Elle I

She shouldn't be here. She knows that and they know that; there are no hugs or greeting when the members of her old team see her; the only person that she touches is Hotch, and that's just a hand on the shoulder, a brief gesture of solidarity. She doesn't realize how brittle she looks, how stiff and out of place she seems.

Though they don't give hint to it, and never will never speak of it, the others are almost grateful when tears spring to her eyes. It proves that she, like them, is human.


	14. Team I

They stand there, broken-hearted saviors, staring into the grave as the coffin is lowered. Garcia is in Morgan's arms; she sobs into his chest while his own tears fall into her hair. JJ and Will stand together, much in the same situation; Will's arms are wrapped securely around her, her fragile body heaving with sobs. Prentiss cries silently, alone, her body trembling so violently that it seems that she will fall apart at the seams; Rossi lights a cigarette with shaking hands, the smoke drifting up to the pearl-gray sky. Elle stares, hard-eyed, at the grave, determined not to look at the others.

Hotch stands, staring blankly into the grave, dry eyed, his heart beating too loudly in his ears.

**A/N: This one was pretty emotional for me to write—'Let It Be' from the Across the Universe soundtrack is sort of the theme for this piece, but this is the chapter that it really influenced. **


	15. Gideon II

He's late—no one needs to tell him that. He will say that the traffic was bad, if anyone asks; that excuse is already in his head. The real reason is that he spent nearly an hour pacing his hotel room, deciding whether or not he would go, telling himself that they wouldn't want him there, then telling himself that Reid would have.

He finally drives the distance to the cemetery, his hands white-knuckled on the wheel; he nearly turns back twice, but forces himself onward. Before he knows it, he's in front of the cemetery gates.

It takes everything he has to open the car door.


	16. Gideon and Hotch I

He is the first to realize who the newcomer is, and he is almost across the cemetery before anyone else realizes who he's heading towards.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Jason?" His tone is that of a demand, and there is no familiarity in using Gideon's first name.

Gideon's face is faultlessly calm. "I came to say goodbye."

Hotch laughs, mirthless and contemptuous. "Oh, you can say goodbye to him when he's dead, but not when he's alive?"

Gideon flinches like the words are physical blows. "I did what was best for—"

Hotch strikes out; his fist makes contact with the side of Gideon's mouth and a second later his arms are behind his back, one held by Rossi, one by Morgan.

"Best for him?" He tears his arms from their grips but simply stands there, staring at Gideon with the brightness of tears standing in his eyes. "You fucking left him! You left us!"

He stops himself and stares at Gideon, as everyone stares at Gideon: his words hang stagnant in the air, irrevocable, irretrievable, and he turns and strides away.

A tear-shaped drop of blood slips from the corner of Gideon's mouth, and he bows his head.


End file.
